Today, we have incontrovertible proof that we still haven’t unlocked all of the mysteries of the world: A mysterious black sarcophagus was just discovered in Egypt — and no one knows what to do with it. We don’t know who’s inside. We don’t know what’s inside. We don’t even know if we should open it (although in all honesty, one would hope that we’ve learned one very important lesson from every single mummy movie ever made: Never, ever open the giant, mysterious sarcophagus you just found in Egypt). The whole thing is both stumping and fascinating people across the world, whether they’re into archaeology or not — and, I mean, it’s not hard to see why. It’s the ancient version of “WHAT’S IN THE BOX???”, so of course we’re riveted by the story.
The tomb from which the sarcophagus was extracted is located in Alexandria. (Yes, home of the Great Library — the big, important one that was regretfully destroyed, likely during the Siege of Alexandria around 47 or 48 BC.) According to the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities, the tomb, which dates back to the Ptolemaic era, was unearthed during an excavation being carried out prior to the digging of the foundations for a new building planned at Al-Karmili Street in Alexandria’s Sidi Gaber district. As Science Alert notes, the size of the sarcophagus is significant; it’s more than six feet tall, nearly nine feet long, and about five and a half feet wide, making it the largest sarcophagus ever found in Alexandria.
Even more astonishing than that, though, is the fact that the sarcophagus has apparently not been opened since it was first sealed. We know this by the layer of mortar that sits between the lid and the sarcophagus’ body. That means that whatever is inside has been there for between 2,048 and 2,341 years.
Which, of course, brings us to the question on everyone’s mind: What is inside? Well, I mean… it’s probably a long-dead, likely mummified human. That’s, y’know, generally what you expect to find inside a sarcophagus; they are stone coffins meant to hold the mummified remains, after all. What we’re less certain of is who might be inside, although it’s thought that a large sculpture of a head made of alabaster that was found inside the same tomb might depict whoever is inside the sarcophagus. The identity of the head has not been determined yet, though, so there are still a lot of questions that remain unanswered.
But while we’ve all been sitting here, hemming and hawing about whether we should open up the sarcophagus, Twitter has been having a field day with the discovery. The reactions to the news are priceless, so let’s take a look at what people are saying, shall we?
2“Okay, This Is Where Things Get Complicated”
There are a lot of Dungeons and Dragons jokes being made right now. And I’m Here For It.
3Time To Call In The Pros
Raise your hand if you have contact info for Fraser’s and Weisz’s people.
4Brace Yourself For Disappointment
I mean, hey, if we prepare for the worst, anything else that might end up happening will be a delightful surprise, right?
Then again, maybe old board games and sports equipment isn’t exactly “the worst.” Because it might always be…
When is Good Omens set to broadcast, again?
7Here He Comes To Save The Day
9The Nice And Accurate Prophecies Of Neil Gaiman
10Could It Be?
This Twitter user isn’t the only person to suggest that Alexander the Great could be inside. Personally, I think it’s unlikely, but if I am wrong and he does turn out to be the sarcophagus’ occupant, I will be appropriately astonished.
12“…Are You Sure?”
As any good DnD player knows, that is definitely code for, “NO, DON’T DO IT, SERIOUSLY, DON’T.”
13The Word Will Make You Out ‘n Out
I realize this is an incredibly self-selecting joke, but I thought it was funny, OK?
14The Infinity War Is Coming
Guess I should prepare myself for turning into dust, shouldn’t I? Someone please feed my cats while I’m gone.
15The Game’s Afoot
This is also an incredibly self-selecting joke that I thought was hilarious — but seriously, if you haven’t seen Young Sherlock Holmes, please get on that as soon as possible.
192018 In A Nutshell
Sounds about right.
(Also, yes, if you missed it, three books from the Renaissance that are literally poisonous by way of the Victorian era were just discovered, too. THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS,)
21A New Contender Emerges
BRB, brainstorming some campaign logos.
Anyway, if the sarcophagus is opened, hopefully we’ll either know what’s inside soon… or we won’t care, because a plague will have been unleashed upon the world, bringing about the end of time. Could go either way, really. Stay tuned!